There are times when I have all these feelings and no way to convey them. Where words seem to fail me, or the song won’t come through, or the painting I attempt doesn’t do anything justice.
Where all I can do is sit in the overwhelm, and do my best to trust in the process.
It’s incredibly uncomfortable.
Where I feel like I’m about to burst with creativity but don’t know how to let it out.
Or, even more uncomfortably, it feels like there’s nothing in there at all.
I’ve noticed that this tends to happen when I’m in a gap between beginnings and endings.
I’m also picking up on this patterning my brain has - whenever there’s change it freaks out. It throws every defense mechanism it has at me, begging to go back to the way things were. It doesn’t matter how many times I remind myself that I want to grow, and that the only way to grow is to move into the unknown. My mind just wants to feel secure, so it does everything it can to make me feel insecure.
It’s quite the cycle, and also incredibly uncomfortable.
There’s a lot of transition going on in my life right now - I started school a couple of weeks ago, and let a few work projects go in order to make space for that. My day-to-day life is in the process of getting a reboot as I figure out the nuances of being a student again, while building a business (and a couple side-hustles), connecting with community and taking care of myself. There have also been some major shifts in a couple of core relationships in my life.
This is all good stuff. It’s growth.
It’s also incredibly uncomfortable.
To be perfectly honest, my heart feels a bit like it’s been pulverized by a meat tenderizer. I’m more sensitive than usual, and I’m noticing that my body is craving quite a bit of TLC these days.
The interesting thing though, is that in spite of all this discomfort, I’m incredibly excited. I’m almost giddy with it, and have been losing sleep over all the new things in my life. I feel more energized, confident and grounded - like this new reason to get up in the morning has been injected into my life.
It’s pretty cool!...and also kind of confusing.
A couple of years ago I made a commitment to myself to make growth and transformation a focal point in my life. When I started the journey I connected with people who seemed to be doing similar things with their lives and asked them for advice.
Three main points were made over and over again in different words:
None of us really know what we’re doing.
Only we individually know what’s best for ourselves.
If we want to grow, we’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable
These points made sense to me conceptually at the time, but recently I’ve started actually experiencing them.
If we want to grow into ourselves, it’s gonna be uncomfortable at times. And it helps to remember that we can handle being in the midst of massive juxtaposition - pain and pleasure, excitement and fear, deep sadness and joy.
It’s in these strange, disorienting and uncomfortable spaces that the magic happens. It’s where we finally get to drop our old, limiting ways and move into growth. It will inevitably seem confusing to the mind because it’s new territory and we have no reference point to compartmentalize it with. It’s also a form of loss for our ego, which means there’s a strong possibility it’ll feel kind of shitty at times, even when we know that loss is in our best interest.
To the ego, loss is loss. It’s a type of death.
And as long as we inhabit these bodies on this planet, this process of change never really stops.
Which can be exciting and terrifying at the same time...which I guess is the point.
So how do we garner the fortitude to be with this discomfort?
Through practice, or what I like to call Sadhana. That thing you do consistently to remember your connection to something bigger than yourself. The thing that helps to bring you back to this moment right now. The thing that becomes your anchor to your truth.
Just keep showing up to your practice, even on the days when you’re not really sure which way is up or what you’re doing.
I promise you, if you commit to the consistency of that practice, you’ll see results.
And remember: You’re worth the effort. The world needs you.
If you’d like some help finding a practice that works for you, connect with me here. I’d love to help.