Hot Mess

I feel like a hot mess today.....

As someone who posts a lot of stuff on social media and the internet in general, I think it's really important to share the tough, dark days, as well as the uplifting, light, and exciting days. So here you go - today I feel like shit.

I've got a stomach bug that kept me up most of the night last night. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by the sheer amount of change that has taken place in my life. Almost every day I wake up and have a moment of "where the hell am I?". I'm on a pretty steep learning curve with regards to building a new business and all that entails. I'm learning a new city, and building new community. And today marks the day, one year ago, that was the beginning of the end of my former marriage (I could do a whole blog series on divorce and contending with loneliness!). I think that covers most of the major life changes (unless I were to get a dog, or decide to have a kid). It's a lot, and I've been pushing  myself really really hard. It's no wonder my body is giving me the middle finger and demanding that I take some down time. 

So here I am, sitting in my awesome house in Portland, still in my jammies, sharing with the world my privileged white girl problems. I frame it like that to be funny and ironic, but also to give myself some perspective. Because even when I list out all the tough stuff that I'm moving through, I'm reminded how freakin' lucky I am. I have the space and resources to completely overhaul my life. Every step of the way support has shown up; whether it be through kind words from a stranger, a new teaching gig, a connection with a new friend, or even a really really good song that lifts my spirits. I've got this, and the universe has got my back...but some days I just feel like crap. And that's OK! 

Life is a lot of yes, AND. Yes, I'm lucky, AND I feel crappy. Yes, I love this person, AND we aren't a good fit for each other. Yes, I'm excited for this big life change, AND I'm terrified of it.

Life isn't black/white, or either/or. It's beautiful, messy chaos, and sometimes it knocks us on our asses.  It's magnificent. 

This is where the practices come in very handy, when we're moving through the tough stuff and can't really gauge which way is up. We can fall on them to help us to stay present, and learn what we need to learn. It's through being able to sit with these intensities of life that we become the truest, most refined versions of ourselves. But that's the kicker - you have to move through it. You can't stick your head in the sand and pretend like nothing is happening (well, you can do that, however you probably won't see much progress). You gotta sit with the challenging feelings, look loneliness square in the eyes and be open to whatever lessons it has for you.

It's simple work in concept, however in practice it can be really really intense. So do your best to be soft and gentle with yourself when life is asking you to grow. You will get through it. It's just a matter of remembering.

You've got this, and the universe has got your back.

Jennifer Noble